United Airlines is Quick

It's not me your monitor is on its side. Turn it over



Dear United Airlines,

I am sure you get lots and lots of letters. I would even venture to guess that some of them are not very nice. However I bet you get very few complimentary letters from Dogs. Yup that is right I am a dog, a GoldenDoodle to be exact. You might have heard of us there was a big article in the New York Times a few years back about us being designer dogs.

So you are probably wondering why I am writing, well it certainly is not to point out how discriminatory it is that you allow those annoying yappy little dogs to ride up in the cabin while I am forced to ride with the luggage. Try spending 4 hours in the dark next to some fat guys dirty laundry. That is a topic for another time.

I am writing to point of how efficient you were on a recent flight. My A, (that is what I call my Male owner) and my R (that is what I call my female owner) recently flew from Boston to Idaho Falls through Denver.

The flight out of Boston left late but you were able to get them to Denver close to on time. That is not why I am writing. It is the Denver to Idaho Falls flight I need to point out.

The flight was schedule to leave at 11:45 with a boarding time to 11:15. My A and R reached the gate at 11:17am and were told that boarding had closed. This is amazing, how were you able to get 85 people on a plane in under 2 mins. Have you guys hired David Blane? My A even talked to the gate attendant and was told boarding was closed. Amazing since the monitors still showed boarding.

What is even more impressive is that the flight they got out on was supposed to board at 6:30 and did not board until 6:45 and then they had to stand down stairs for another 40 mins before they got on the plane. This means the 11:45 flight was 53 mins better than that later flight or 2650% quicker. That is impressive Nice job 11:45 flight.

Can you tell me how often this super expedited boarding process happens? Of the 4 flights they were on out and back only this one actually boarded at the scheduled time. Obviously I am impressed by the efficiency of your airline but I would like to know how to advise my A and R in the future so they don’t miss flights and can get home to me on time.

Is expedited boarding something we can look forward to more of in the future? Do the gate agents on the 11:45 flight from Denver to Idaho Falls know something that the rest of your staff don’t know? Perhaps you could have them give a lecture on expedited boarding so that other flights can board this quickly.

I am just so baffled as to how they got this to work. On every flight I have ever seen if they list the boarding time as 11:15 at 11:15 only 1st class, partner alliance and people with small children get to board. The normal people are usually not asked to board for at least another 10 min.

Is there some kind of seatback instruction card that explains all the gates and the times you really need to be there? It seems that gate 39C in Denver is super fast but 39B seems to have delays of at least 30 min for boarding. Are some gates better design and thus faster than others? How do you decide which flights get the fast gates and which get the slow ones?

Thanks for your time I am really impressed by this expedited boarding process and am just looking for a little clarification so that I can prevent people from missing flights in the future. It is sad but I have noticed that people tend to think the airline industry in uncaring and inefficient. There seems to be a general feeling of what will go wrong next. I think expedited boarding is a great step to making travel more enjoyable for everyone.

I would recommend pointing out expedited boarding in you commercials.

United the only airline that can board a plane in under 2 min.

United why wait in the terminal we can get you on the plane in under 2 min.

United we are fast. Now with expedited boarding

United so fast, you wont even remember how you got on board.


Keep up the good work and I encourage you to make expedited boarding a reality at all gates not just 39C in Denver.

I look forward to a more detailed explanation of your boarding processes.

Stephen the Dog


stephenthedog@gmail.com