ss_blog_claim=bf53c2c2a6b5e4b759eb9b46babec032 Stephen the dog: I had to fess up

Thursday, November 8, 2007

I had to fess up

As you know the other day I took the online skills assessment at and did not do so well. Only answering D for Dog is not the way to go. Well I got an email from B saying I had not obtained a qualifying score and that I would have one more chance to qualify.

This kind of scared me so I decided to do something I now realize is a little bit unethical. I emailed the link to my second attempt test to my A and challenged him to take it. Apparently he did pretty well because before he was even done taking the test B had emailed me again.

Below is the email from B. Notice I got an exclamation point after my name. When I failed I got a colon after my name.

Hi Stephen!

My name is B, the Assistant Director of Admissions with I am very pleased to say that you did exceptionally well on your online skills challenge and I am excited to speak with you regarding your test results.

You should feel very proud that you have progressed to this level. Only those who demonstrate a solid foundation with Microsoft operation systems receive this email.

We have been unsuccessful at reaching you with the contact information you supplied us on your online application.

Please give me a call or email once this is received so that we can find a time that will work. I will also be following up with you shortly. Please note that I will be calling from the 800 number listed below.

Warm Regards,

I talked to my A about it and while he supports my efforts to protect my future in case bobsledding does not work out he said I should come clean with Barbara.

Dear Barbara,

Hi this is Stephen. I would like to thank your for kind words on my recent exceptional results with your online skills challenge. However I feel I need to come clean.

I originally took your skills challenge and did not do very well. There are various reasons for why I did not do well but the biggest one is probably that I do not have opposable thumbs. Yes that is right I don’t have opposable thumbs. See I am a dog, a golden doodle to be more specific. My mom was a golden retrieve and my dad was a black poodle. Really I a just a mutt with big dreams. I am attaching a picture for you.

I am planning on making a run at the 2010 US Olympic Bobsled team. Being a dog gives me several advantages over people. I have my own fur coat which keeps me warm, I am low to the ground and I am very fast. I can also sharpen my claws and use all fours paws when I run. Based on my studies this gives me a 300% traction advantage over a man. Finally I also have lower wind resistance since my face is longer and more streamlined.

Anyway my A , that is what I call the guy who feeds me and takes me for walks, says I need a fallback plan in case bobsledding does not work out. I had heard your radio commercials while my A and I were driving around town in the truck. Your program sounded intriguing. I would definitely like to make $75,000/yr.

I am sure you can imagine as a dog my earning opportunities are kind of limited. I can’t really go out and get a job as say a diesel mechanic, you need opposable thumbs for that. However I figured IT might work, I could get a modified mouse and maybe telecommute. It is really the mouse I have issues with I already have a modified keyboard that allows me to type.

Well I took you online skills test and answered every question option D for Dog. This did not go to well since I got an email from you saying I did not get the 70% I needed and that I had one more chance to try again. Having one more chance kind of scared me. I don’t like to fail. Knowing I could not allow myself to fail I came up with a plan.

I took the link to my retest and emailed it to my A, and challenged him to see how well he could do. I figured he would do well since he works in the computer field and has written a few books on the subject. They are not very interesting books, he keeps them on a low shelf at home and I have tried to read them but I keep falling asleep.

Anyway he must have done well because I got this awesome email back from you telling me what an exception job I did. While I would love to attend your program I feel I need to come clean. I did not pass your exam and I have a feeling you will not admit a dog. This is the same problem I had when I tried to get a job at my local McDonalds.

The people working there can not even remember to give you sauce with you McNuggets. Come on how hard is that, I can remember sauce. In fact I know over 50 distinct commands, but no they don’t allow dogs to work here. Sorry I am just frustrated. I have smarts and skills and society does not seem to want to allow me to use these god given talents. I also found out yesterday I am not eligible to apply for unemployment. I am just looking to contribute to society and make a little money at the same time. There is only so much daytime television you can watch.

Thanks for your time



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