I had to fess up

As you know the other day I took the online skills assessment at Computertraining.com and did not do so well. Only answering D for Dog is not the way to go. Well I got an email from B saying I had not obtained a qualifying score and that I would have one more chance to qualify.

This kind of scared me so I decided to do something I now realize is a little bit unethical. I emailed the link to my second attempt test to my A and challenged him to take it. Apparently he did pretty well because before he was even done taking the test B had emailed me again.

Below is the email from B. Notice I got an exclamation point after my name. When I failed I got a colon after my name.

Hi Stephen!

My name is B, the Assistant Director of Admissions with ComputerTraining.com. I am very pleased to say that you did exceptionally well on your online skills challenge and I am excited to speak with you regarding your test results.

You should feel very proud that you have progressed to this level. Only those who demonstrate a solid foundation with Microsoft operation systems receive this email.

We have been unsuccessful at reaching you with the contact information you supplied us on your ComputerTraining.com online application.

Please give me a call or email once this is received so that we can find a time that will work. I will also be following up with you shortly. Please note that I will be calling from the 800 number listed below.

Warm Regards,
B

I talked to my A about it and while he supports my efforts to protect my future in case bobsledding does not work out he said I should come clean with Barbara.

Dear Barbara,

Hi this is Stephen. I would like to thank your for kind words on my recent exceptional results with your online skills challenge. However I feel I need to come clean.

I originally took your skills challenge and did not do very well. There are various reasons for why I did not do well but the biggest one is probably that I do not have opposable thumbs. Yes that is right I don’t have opposable thumbs. See I am a dog, a golden doodle to be more specific. My mom was a golden retrieve and my dad was a black poodle. Really I a just a mutt with big dreams. I am attaching a picture for you.

I am planning on making a run at the 2010 US Olympic Bobsled team. Being a dog gives me several advantages over people. I have my own fur coat which keeps me warm, I am low to the ground and I am very fast. I can also sharpen my claws and use all fours paws when I run. Based on my studies this gives me a 300% traction advantage over a man. Finally I also have lower wind resistance since my face is longer and more streamlined.

Anyway my A , that is what I call the guy who feeds me and takes me for walks, says I need a fallback plan in case bobsledding does not work out. I had heard your radio commercials while my A and I were driving around town in the truck. Your program sounded intriguing. I would definitely like to make $75,000/yr.

I am sure you can imagine as a dog my earning opportunities are kind of limited. I can’t really go out and get a job as say a diesel mechanic, you need opposable thumbs for that. However I figured IT might work, I could get a modified mouse and maybe telecommute. It is really the mouse I have issues with I already have a modified keyboard that allows me to type.

Well I took you online skills test and answered every question option D for Dog. This did not go to well since I got an email from you saying I did not get the 70% I needed and that I had one more chance to try again. Having one more chance kind of scared me. I don’t like to fail. Knowing I could not allow myself to fail I came up with a plan.

I took the link to my retest and emailed it to my A, and challenged him to see how well he could do. I figured he would do well since he works in the computer field and has written a few books on the subject. They are not very interesting books, he keeps them on a low shelf at home and I have tried to read them but I keep falling asleep.

Anyway he must have done well because I got this awesome email back from you telling me what an exception job I did. While I would love to attend your program I feel I need to come clean. I did not pass your exam and I have a feeling you will not admit a dog. This is the same problem I had when I tried to get a job at my local McDonalds.

The people working there can not even remember to give you sauce with you McNuggets. Come on how hard is that, I can remember sauce. In fact I know over 50 distinct commands, but no they don’t allow dogs to work here. Sorry I am just frustrated. I have smarts and skills and society does not seem to want to allow me to use these god given talents. I also found out yesterday I am not eligible to apply for unemployment. I am just looking to contribute to society and make a little money at the same time. There is only so much daytime television you can watch.

Thanks for your time

Stephen