ss_blog_claim=bf53c2c2a6b5e4b759eb9b46babec032 Stephen the dog: HotBeanBag's very Disturbed Individual

Friday, November 9, 2007

HotBeanBag's very Disturbed Individual

Yesterday I was looking for Beanbag chairs on the internet. To me this seemed like a pretty benign activity certainly not one that would raise my blood pressure however I was wrong. I ran into this site and checked out their child's bean bag chairs.

I was ok until I read the little market blub, it was horrific. I was totally incensed. These people are not just stupid they are criminally stupid. I am all for selling beanbags but come on. This is just ridiculous and wrong on so many levels.

This bag wants to be your new best friend - more specifically your child's best friend. Just think about it, you can finally replace their imaginary friend with a very real and very comfy bean bag chair. Kids hankering for a pet? Now they can snuggle up and pet their very own house-trained shiny bag of beans.

Younger kids are constantly seeking companionship and security and they'll get that from this perfectly sized bean bag chair (6.5 cubic feet and 98 inches in circumference). And this bag is made of heavy-duty, double stitched vinyl so it can take plenty of roughhousing, chills and spills. The outer covering is easily cleaned with a damp cloth and mild detergent. It even is equipped with a childproof zipper for added safety and to avoid bean blowouts.

Help your child make memories that last a lifetime with their new best friend - bean bag chair!

Well as we all know Stephen Thedog does not sit idly by so I wrote them a letter.

Dear HotBeanBag:

My name is Stephen and I am a dog. You may have heard of my kind we are often referred to as “Man’s Best Friend” I am writing you in regards to your Childs Beanbag chairs.

I was looking to purchase a few chairs the other day and ran across your site. I then stumbled into your write up on the child’s chairs and was enraged.

As a dog I take offense to your remark that the chair is house trained. As someone who has gone through the house training process you are trivializing my accomplishment. House training is not easy, how would you like you face showed into you own feces. Believe me it is not fun. A chair can not be trained. Training involves modifying and shaping behavior. Since the chair does not have the ability to poop in the 1st place you are not training it not to poop inside. You have done nothing.

If we follow you model well then I have trained all of you staplers not to pee on your desk. This took me 3 hours per stapler and I changed $10/hr please send me check for $300. If for some reason a stapler does pee on your desk I will happily refund your money. Please make checks payable to Stephenthedog

I also see you are advocating replacing my child’s imaginary friend with a beanbag chair.
In case you are not aware having an imaginary friend is healthy developmentally for a child. Children should be allowed to be children. Adults should not try to mess with a child’s imaginary friend. They have these friends in order to have something to relate to in a world run largely by unimaginative adults.

Beanbags do not provide companionship. You obviously had a very sad childhood if you believe this. It is just not the case in fact the bags in question are vinyl. Vinyl is not soft or cuddly. When you hug vinyl it gets all hot sticky and gross. If you doubt me make a pair of vinyl pants and try wearing them for a day. You will not last 30min in them.

No child should be making memories that last a lifetime with their new best friend bean bag chair. That is just sad. It is obvious you are a very disturbed uneducated individual who never had a friend or a pet growing up. While it is to your credit that you have not ended up living in your grandmother’s basement surfing the internet for porn, I still mourn for the loss of your childhood.

You Sir need a dog immediately. Please send me your address and I will come and be your dog until we can get you one to fill the immense void in your life. I am truly concerned about your well being.

It has taken me a while but I now see that this is not some horrible unsympathetic marketing campaign gone awry but a genuine plea for help. I will help you!. No one should have to buy a bean bag chair as a friend. I feel so sad for you but don’t worry we will work our way through this. Trust me it will get better.

Obviously I will not be buying a bean bag from you. In fact you should close the store and got out and be with people. It is obvious your relationship with the bean bag is not a health one.


At November 10, 2007 at 4:55:00 PM EST , Blogger Andree said...

yeah that's what we need. shut the kids up, keep them away from parents, no pets. no interraction on an alive level. the tube and the chair.

but wait. you want to inflict families like this on a dog? nooooooo.

i'm the dumb one, always wondering what's happening to this country . . .

At November 11, 2007 at 12:59:00 PM EST , Blogger BenSpark said...

Best Stephen letter to date! Keep them coming.


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