Dr. Phil vs Dr. Pepper

I am not sure if I have mentioned if before but I am currently underemployed. This means I happen to be home a lot during the day and end up watching a lot of daytime television. I can usually get through the morning waiting for the mail to come and then there is the afternoon prospect of the UPS guy dropping off a package but aside from that I am left locked in the house with little else to do besides watch TV.

Unfortunately daytime television is terrible. It seems to be aimed a people who are too dumb to have jobs. That is right I said it daytime television is aimed at stupid people. Just look at the commercials they are all about debt consolidation and personal injury lawyers.

Sometimes the TV gets left on and I end up getting stuck watching Dr. Phil. There is no way this guys is a doctor but I figure I would give him a chance so I set up a little contest between two doctors to see which one was more qualified to help people. On one side I have Dr. Phil and on the other side I had a nice cold bottle of Dr. Pepper.

Before we get started here is a brief summary of each contestant.

Dr. Phil is a large man who Oprah decided to give a television show. Hey Oprah when am I getting my own shot. Dr. Phil hands out psycho babble advice to people but does not really solve problems. Generally he just refers out the problems to other people and uses money and TV influence to make it seems like he cares. Dr. Phil has also recently begun to go down the Geraldo Rivera path booking more and more extreme guests in an effort to get better ratings


Dr. Pepper is a soft drink in fact it is the oldest major soft drink in America. It was first sold in Waco Texas long before Waco became infamous for crazy people. Dr. Pepper is a unique blend of 23 flavors. Dr Pepper has been using the same formula since 1885 and has no plans to change.

Now that we have a generally understanding of the two Doctors lets ask them some questions

Question 1:
My teenage daughter has a drinking problem what should I do?

Dr. Phil
We need to get your daughter on the show where I will confront her about why she is drinking. I will make a witty remarks at your expense, make you daughter look like a selfish person and tell you that your family needs to get real.

Dr. Pepper.
Dr. Pepper is way more refreshing than Alcohol. Drink more Dr. Pepper



Question 2:
Should I take my husband back after his affair

Dr. Phil
We need to get you and your husband on the show. Once there I will pick your side and not let your husband explain himself. I will throw in a few witty remarks to belittle your husband and make sure my sheepish audience walks away thinking your husband is the devil

Dr. Pepper
Relax and enjoy a nice cold Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper will always be faithful to you.

Question 3:
My Daughter is out of control what should I do

Dr. Phil
We need to get you and your family into the Dr. Phil house where I can take you 24 hours a day. I will take this footage and cut it up so it looks best on TV. I will make you family look terrible and then once your audience appeal has worn off I will send you back into the real world to live out your miserable little lives while I plug my next book just before the next commercial break.


Dr. Pepper.
Relax and enjoy a nice cold Dr. Pepper and forget that you have a daughter.

Question 4:

My son is selling drugs what should I do?

Dr. Phil
Well I have already done an episode on kids who sell drugs so there is really no way you can help me, I mean I can help you. Now if you can get your son to join the Klan and sell drugs while wearing his Klan uniform I might be able to help


Dr. Pepper.
Spend some time with your son enjoying a nice cold Dr. Pepper together.


There you have it. Feel free to make you own decision. Personally I would prefer the Dr. Pepper at least you get some nutritional value.