ss_blog_claim=bf53c2c2a6b5e4b759eb9b46babec032 Stephen the dog: August 2009

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Sorry Papa but I quit

Stephen The Dog
7 Woofer LN
Barkington DE 10543

Aug 25.2009

Papa Gino's, Inc.

Dear Papa;

My name is Stephen I am a 4 year old Golden retriever poodle cross. That is right I am a dog. I usually like to get that out of the way right off the bat. I am sure you are wondering why I am writing since you don’t even allow dogs in your stores. I know it is a health code thing and there is not much you can do about it so I am not going to fault you for that.

I would like to start of by saying that you make a fine pizza pie. My A thinks your pizza is the best and I will have to admit it is very good, every once and a while I get slipped a piece and it is awesome, I always want more. I really love your blend of cheeses. I think that is what make’s Papa Gino’s pizza special you don’t get that special blend of cheese anywhere else.

Unfortunately I have some sad news. It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you my A and I will no longer be Papa Gino’s customers. Now this has absolutely nothing to do with your pizza but unfortunately have everything to do with the service in your stores.

You see I am a dog and in case you have not had a chance to notice, I am sure you are very busy being a pizza magnate, it is hot outside. Do you know why they call them the dog days of August? Well it is because it gets so hot that if you leave a dog in a car for too long even with the windows opened the heat can fry the dog’s brain. We can't sweat you know. Let me tell you, when you are a dog you want to avoid getting you brain fried at all costs.

Recently I had some issues with mice, that is right mice tried to kill me by blocking up the air conditioning vents on my A’s truck. I think I may have forgotten to tell you that my A is the guy who feeds me and takes care or me, he also owns the truck I ride around in. Anyway I am sure you had nothing to do with the mouse plot.

The reason I am quitting Papa Gino’s is due to an incident on Aug 2. My A ordered a pizza online, (FYI online ordering is super cool) and we were told we could pick it up in 25mins. Well since we know Papa Gino’s is always slow we waited 40min and got in the truck. When we arrived at Papa Gino’s and my A went in to get the pizza and I waited in the truck, as you know health codes prevent me from going into your stores.

About 5 min after he went in my A comes out without the pizza starts the truck, turns on the AC and locks me in. It appears the pizza was not ready even though we allowed 40min which is longer than 25min last time I checked. To add insult to injury my A was asked to pay for the order after it had already been paid online. This was quickly resolved but what would have happened if my R had ordered the pizza and not told my A she already paid for it? The woman who asked my A to pay for the pizza 15 min later if he was all set. “Umm no I am not all set I am still waiting for the same large cheese pizza I asked for 15 min ago don’t you remember me I am the guy you tried to double charge for a pizza?”

Really come on she can’t even remember that he is waiting on a pizza. It is not like my A blends into the crowd. He is quite distinctive. Well 25 mins later the pizza was done and some girl came by and threw it on the counter and walked away. My A waited and calmly asked if he could get the salad he has also ordered which had been sitting on the counter for probably and hour at this point.

Papa I know you are a busy man but I am a busy dog and sitting in a hot car is not something I enjoy doing. Aside from the potential brain frying it is also just plain boring. I believe my A handled the situation with grace and patience. However it should not take an hour to make a cheese pizza and I certainly should not have to sit in a hot care for 30min while the pizza we were told would be ready 10 mins ago is made.

This is just the most recent example. I realize I am a little on edge ever since the mice tried to bump me off but I just can not handle this anymore. It is a sad day but I am going to have to move on. If it makes you feel any better it’s not you it’s me. I wish you continued success in the pizza business and assure you that there are no hard feelings. While I will miss your delicious pizza pies my A and I simply can no longer jump through the hoops required to obtain them.


P.S. would it be possible to get an autographed photo to help me remember the good times.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

My A joins the UPFL

As you all know it has been hot here in Barkington lately. The worst thing about the hot weather is that my A tends to leave me at home more. I don’t really blame him a lot of places have no dog policies and sitting in the truck has the potential to fry my brain.

The last couple of weeks my A has being coming home feeding me then grabbing some pillows and leaving. At first I thought this was weird. I have no idea why he was doing this, it is way to hot to take a nap in the truck so he must be going somewhere but why all the pillows.

It did not hit me until last night when I really started to think about it. My A takes 3 distinct pillows, a smooshie one, a firm one and a somewhat smaller mid firm one. He also tends to come home looking a little bewildered almost like he has been hit over the head a few times. Once I put it all together it makes complete sense. My A has joined the Ultimate Pillow Fighting League (UPFL). He has the 3 different pillow types, the smooshie for hitting and wrapping around an opponent, the Firm Pillow for those hard blows that finish off and opponent and the mid firm for general all around sparring use.
I am sure the Scoobie Doo pillow case inspires fear in all who see it.

The fact that he comes home slightly bewildered is what finally gave it away. All those blows to the head must be affecting him. It does wear off but it takes him a couple of hours to look normal again.

Personally I am proud of my A, UPFL seems like a great way to get in shape and he definitely needs a hobby that is not trying to get me to play fetch. The only drawback is I am going to have to work harder to make sure I lose more weight than he does so I can win our bet.

I will be sure to let you all know when my A’s first big UPFL bout is. I would be great if you could all come out and support my A. I have a feeling the UPFL venue is not dog friendly, so hopefully some of you can support my A. I know he is going to need the support and unfortunately I will probably not be able to be there.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Gas Conspiracy Unveiled

I have been thinking a lot recently. We all know that last year gas was about $4/gallon and oil prices were running around $140/barrel. Thing have relaxed a little bit from that for a variety of reasons that I don’t want to get into but I do want to talk about gasoline today.

For years we have been told gas prices are being manipulated as part of a huge Govt conspiracy. We all know the Bushs made their money in oil and we have all heard about the guy from Iowa who invented the car that ran on water and was killed off to protect the oil economy. It is all so crazy and unbelievable or is it?.

It seems that every time momentum builds towards alternative energy something happens and we go back to oil. FYI if you don’t know it yet ethanol is a very bad idea. Growing corn to turn into fuel is stupid it takes more energy to grow the corn than you get out of it. FYI fertilizer is made from oil, tractors run on oil etc. If you believe in ethanol please send $50

Stephen TheDog
7 Woofington Lane
Barkington DE 10054

I will happily send you back $13.45 which is basically what you are doing when grow crops specifically to make Ethanol. It is just a stupid idea but I guess the corn lobby is pretty strong. You really don’t want to piss off the corn guys.

None of this really interests me.

Lately I have been thinking about gasoline. I sit in the truck while my A gets gas. He usually even gases up my R’s car and usually I get to go. The thing that has me scared is when you go to a gas station you stick the nozzle in your car and some numbers move but do you ever actually see the gasoline? No you do not, you are taking it on faith that gas is going into your car but the only think you really see is that gas gauge go up. What if there is really no gas and it is all a big conspiracy? Think about it for a min. I know a lot of you are very trusting people but please think.

I don’t think it is too much to assume the Govt is in cahoots with the automakers. Seriously the Govt just bailed out the automakers, why because the automakers know the truth and the Govt wanted to keep them quiet. We know the Govt covers things up and does not tell us everything but this is crazy. We are paying for something that in all likelihood we are not actually getting, we just take it on faith. Personally I would rather believe in jesus rising from the dead that accept paying for something I never actually see.

There is a reason money has “In God we trust” written on it. The Govt wants to make sure you are willing to take the leap of faith for god and then tacks on a few other things like this gasoline ridiculousness. I for one no longer am willing to fall for it. I know there is some kind of electrical signal that tells the gas gauge to move and I am going to figure out what it is.

P.S. Don’t even get me started on natural gas. Colorless and odorless how convenient?

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Someone tried to kill me!!!!!

Just when you think it is safe something like this happens. Yesterday there was an attempt made on my life. That is right someone tried to bump off me, Stephen TheDog. I know what you are thinking who would want to hurt that cute dog that writes the funny ODD. Well it is true someone tried to rub out the #1 dog Odder on the planet.

I don’t really understand the motivation behind it, perhaps it is jealousy or perhaps just plain mean spiritedness. I don’t really know, what I do know is that heads are gonna roll. I can not sit idly by and allow someone to make an attempt on my life. I have contacted the local authorities and they ensure me that I am over reacting and that there is nothing they can do.

It is very sad that when you finally have a need to call your local Police Department, they tell you to relax, that you will be fine and they are sorry but they can not help you. Well you know what I am sorry too I don’t think I can pay my dog licensing fees anymore if this is the type of service I am going to get. Their job is to protect and serve, right now I feel neither protected or served.

So here is how it happened. As you know lately the weather has been super hot here in Barkington we have been seeing temperatures in the 90’s. In fact my A and R have been running the AC at night which they almost never do. I think it is mostly because they are cheap but lately it has been hot enough for them to run it all night. I guess when it is 84 in your house it is ok to spend $.45/hr to run the air conditioning.

As you know I spend a lot of time driving around in the truck with my A. We go all kinds of fun places like the lake, or to my A’s parents to swim in the pool or to day care. All of these things require me to sit in the truck which I like. My A is very good about making sure I don’t get too hot. You know that a parked car in the sun can quickly get hot enough to fry a dogs brain. Yes in addition to god not giving me opposable thumbs he also forgot the sweat glands. He was so close to perfection and yet he leaves out these two little items. I guess if I lived in the arctic in an area with no doors it would be less of a big deal but here in Barkington DE opposable thumbs and sweat glands would be a big help.

I recently tried to apply for considerations under the American’s with disabilities act but was rebuffed. Apparently according to the Govt I am not supposed to have opposable thumbs or sweat glands. Lets seem one of those Govt hacks try sitting in a parked car at noon on a hot day with no sweat glands and no opposable thumbs to open the doors. I bet they would not last 10 min. It might explain the TARP program though.

Last wed my A and I were taking a ride. I don’t really remember where we were going but I do remember it was really hot in the car. My A had the AC on but the car just kept getting hotter and hotter. I remember thinking oh no I am gonna fry my brain. My A turned the AC all the way up but it still kept getting hotter. I was panting like crazy. Imagine yourself sitting in a hot car on a sunny day wearing a black fur coat and your only way to cool off being your tongue. Believe me it is not fun. This went on for about 10min with it getting hotter and hotter, I was starting to get dizzy and I could almost hear my brain beginning to sizzle.

Fortunately my A gave up on the AC and opened the windows. I was able to stick my head out and start cooling down. Thank goodness my A was there to roll down the windows or I would have been a gonner. I would have rolled them down myself but the truck has old fashioned window cranks and as I mentioned before I don’t have opposable thumbs.

I assumed the AC in the truck was just broken that is until we went to get it fixed.
My A dropped the truck off to have the AC motor fixed. A couple of hours later the mechanic called back and told my A the problem was the air conditioning ducts were stuffed full of fiberglass insulation thus rendering the AC inoperable. Who would stuff insulation in the duct work of a truck? Hmm after so digging I was able to determine it was mice. Yes MICE filled up the ducts in the truck with insulation rendering the AC inoperable and almost frying my brain.

I can not believe the audacity of those mice. Generally I stick up for the mice but no more. My policy is you make one attempt on my life and I will make darn sure you don’t get another shot. I have found another use for Nut Silo since the squirrels don’t seem to all that interested. (apparently squirrels are very short sighted) Yup that is right mouse silo. Yes I know it is a little sadistic but those guys tried to kill me I am sure a couple weeks in the mouse silo will teach them a lesson.

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