Mr. Mailbox another encounter

Yesterday I had another run in with Mr. Mailbox. I am sorry but that guy is just a pain in the butt. I don’t really know what his problem is. Anyway I was taking a walk with my A and R. As we where on our way home he struck.

As you all know there is no sidewalk in front of his house so we were walking on the grass in order to stay out of the road. I was on my leash and we were not bothering anyone. So Mr. Mailbox is standing in his front yard and yells “Could you please not walk on my yard” My A apparently did not hear him and said “Excuse me” Mr. Mailbox repeated “ Could you please not walk on my yard”

Well My A pointed out to him that the town owns the first 6 feet of his yard and we had every right to walk there. Does this guy really want us to walk in the street? We could be killed. Mr. Mailbox did not agree with my A on the ownership of said property. I personally know my A has checked this out and been assured that the property is public. We continued on our path and went home.

My A felt a little bad because Mr. Mailbox did say please. However his tone was not particularly nice. Personally I feel that this guy yells at a lot of people and that my A should continue to stand up to him and not take the path of least resistance. Sure it would have been easy to just step off into the street but then he wins. What about the kids and other people he yells at.

What makes this guy feel so superior that I can not walk in front of his house? I let everyone walk in front of my house. It drives me nuts when people take these positions that are not defensible. Go ahead call the police and tell them I am walking on your yard. Sorry but it is not your yard punk!. If it takes you calling the police on me to get your head out of your butt then do it.

We all live here why is it so hard for you to just be nice. My A and I have tried to be nice to you but it is not worth the effort anymore. I get along with everyone else in my neighborhood so I doubt it is me. I think it is you. Get a life! I am sure you don’t want me trying to figure out what you are doing with that Fort Knox mailbox.

Hmm you are always home during the day. You worry about people stealing your mail. It makes me wonder what you are getting through the Mail? Is there perhaps a reason beyond the typical why you are afraid of dogs? Is not so much that we could rip you to shreds with out teeth, but more because with the right training we might be able to detect what is in your mailbox?

Please enjoy the first 6 feet of “your” yard while you can. If I have anything to say about it you won’t have it much longer.

Thanksgiving

Well Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Unfortunately there is not really all that much for me to get excited about. I was pretty fired up about it last year until I found out there was no giant turkey giving out presents. I really think all holidays needs some type of giant cartoon like character and presents.

Thanksgiving is not really a holiday for dogs. We really should not eat turkey it is not good for us and can cause digestive problems. Turkey bones are really bad for us to since they can splinter in our mouths and cause huge issues. Thus a giant turkey dinner does not really get me fired up.

Then there is the whole sit down dinner thing. That screams “Alone time” to me. I hope there is at least some good recycling to read. Maybe I will make a robot out of cans. I wonder if I can send my can robot in to raid the fridge. All fear can robot!

We are all going over to my A’s parent’s house. There are going to be a ton of people there. While normally I like having lot of people around since that give me more chances to get attention. However I know there have already been phone calls asking if I am coming. Unfortunately I don’t think they all really want me to be there. Come on I am not calling up to see if Z is coming. There have also been calls to figure out where the dog is going to be. “Will the dog be in the house? Will the dog be kept outside?” I appreciate all this concern but unfortunately I don’t think they are worried about my well being. They should just come out with it and say “How do I keep the dog away from my precious children?”

For your information I have yet to eat a child. In fact eating a child is really stupid, if I were going to eat a person I would want something a little bigger. Perhaps Kevin-Rules321 who be a good candidate, I bet all that sitting on his butt has made him very tender.

I am going to try to make the best of my Thanksgiving but I don’t have high hopes. My A keeps telling me to set my expectations low. If you expect nothing you can never be disappointed.

5.11 tactical

As you know I have been having some issue with Mr. Mailbox. I admit it I don’t like the guy. So for Christmas I have been thinking about getting my a some 5.11 tactical gear. These guys make the clothes the police wear so you know it is good.

I am going to get my A the Black HRT jumpsuit so we can go on night stalking missions together. While I am black my A is pretty white and stands out so I need to get him dressed up to blend into the night. The HRT jumpsuit should handle this as well as give him a bunch of pockets to keep my treats in. You know what they say about Goldendoodles. That’s right Goldendoodles own the night. I bet you thought it was bats. Nope sorry

Move offline.com

Dear Dick & Tommy:


It has come to my attention that you are running around the Internet
stirring up trouble. This is not necessarily a bad thing however I am
a little concerned with how you are doing things. It seems that
there are some similarities about between the two of you and me. In fact so much
so that Drew over at the Benspark thought I might actually be you.
You should be so lucky Sir. You are not me nor will you ever be me.

Your blog is ludicrous. The whole concept of having an online blog to
get people to move offline is dumb. Do you realize you are a
hypocrite? I am sure you were going for irony there but I think you
missed. According to Alanis irony is more like a free ride when you
already paid, not being a blogger when you hate bloggers. Your way is
nowhere near as melodic.

You are a person, you have opposable thumbs and are treated like an
equal by society. Why are you so bitter? I am a dog with no
opposable thumbs, I have to work super hard to find opportunities and
when I find them I am often denied simply because I am a dog. You my
friend have had the world handed to you on a silver platter. If I had
half the opportunities you did I would not be trying for the 2008 USA
bobsled team but instead would be running a small country. All hail
king Stephen! I would have golden water dishes and minions running
around doing my bidding. I bet those bidding minions would come in
handy for e-bay auctions.


I bet your moms told you that you could be whatever you wanted to be
when you grew up. My story is a little different. I left my Mom when
I was 8 weeks old. I was never able to meet my dad. Sure my A and R
have taken good care of me and I love them but sometimes they don't
understand me. Sometimes I would like to be able to talk to my Mom.
Dick you can not understand how hard it is to be a dog. Sure we sleep

16 hrs a day and I get fed twice a day but I want more. I don't want
to settle for just being a kept dog. I am not on this planet to
simply provide unconditional love to a chosen few, no I have to have a
much bigger purpose. There has to be more to it than that!

I have dreams and goals, unfortunately your human society is keeping
me down. I was denied employment at McDonalds, I can not go to
church, they won't let me drive. The list goes on and on but I think
you get my point.


Dick & Tommy, I am going to give you some advice here. Spend some time and
think about how fortunate you are. There is a world of opportunity
out there and I am afraid this bitterness is going to cause you to
miss it all.

Open you ears, can you hear the Whos down in Whoville? Fah who foraze!
Dah who doraze! Dick can you hear them? How about you Tommie?

Channel your efforts in a positive direction and if you can't do that
I would suggest you follow your own advice and "Moveoffline".


I can not risk having my reputation ruined by the likes
of you.

Reply to JAX

Jax,

Thanks so much for the reply. While I don’t totally agree with all your arguments I can definitely see where you are coming from. I am willing to admit that I may have read more into the product descriptions than I should have.

I still maintain that children should be encouraged to have imaginary friends but I will concede that it is ok for them to also have beanbag friends. As long as the two are not mutually exclusive I am ok with it.

I was also unaware of the monkey studies you mentioned. While it is interesting to know that monkeys reared with soft items outlive those reared in cold sterile environments it really makes me wonder who is doing this research. How does one go about getting funding for this sort of research? Do you write congress and say “I am looking to raise some monkeys in a concrete box can I please have some money?” Where are those PETA wackos when you need them?

As for the product description of your Plush Fur Bean bag, I am glad I did not read it before getting your email. That would have pushed me over the edge. Jax I know that you mentioned that you had a good house training experience and I assume you don’t have accidents so why does your owner have this obsession with accidents? Of course beanbags don’t have accidents but I can attest to the fact that I have not had an accident in over 2 years and based on your impeccable grammar I assume you have a similar track record.

If both of us are accident free then the fact that a beanbag is accident free is really not that huge of a selling point. It is just not that huge of a differentiator. I might be wrong my pal Drew is always telling me I don’t understand marketing so this maybe another one of those cases. Perhaps this more modern house training method you speak of traumatized your owner, this might explain the fascination with accidents.

I am glad to hear that owner of Hotbeanbags.com has a dog. Having a dog is a very important part of life, and can do wonders to stabilize the borderline psychotics in the world. Personally if my A, that is what I call the guy that feeds me, did not have me I doubt it would be safe to let him roam the streets.

On a more personal note I see that you are gainfully employed. I personally have been trying to find a decent job ever since the seatbelt incident. seatbelt incident. Most recently I tried to get career training from computer training.com but that did not work out. I was wondering if you had any advice as a professional dog.

Perhaps there is a position at Hotbeanbags.com. I still don’t totally agree with some of the corporate philosophy but I am willing to sell out. I have already sold out my blog with payperpost. Between you and me I really don’t have an opinion on which is the best goth dating site on the internet.

If you need some help I would be willing to perform some product testing. I could even write about how much better beanbags are than cats. There are a ton of delusional people out there who actually like cats. It is a huge market.

Do you love your cat? Well if you do then this beanbag is for you. Think about it cats kind of do what they want and love you when they want, but beanbag always does what you want it do to and will love you unconditionally. You never have to empty beanbag’s little box because beanbag does not need a litter box. Think about how nice it is to come home, sit on the couch and cuddle up with your furry little friend. Now think about the times you have come home and wanted to cuddle up with your furry little friend only to have him hide under the bed. Beanbags don’t hide. So if you are tired of the emotional roller coaster your cat has you on this is the beanbag for you. Don’t let the cat toy with your emotions get this beanbag and take control of your life again.

Anyway Please let me know when the Pet Beg products line comes out.


Stephen

Jax Responds!

A couple days ago I wrote to HotBeanbags.com. I was pretty upset when I wrote the email. However I don’t regret anything I wrote. After my experience with Computertraining.com I did not expect a response.

Today I got a response back from Jax over at Hotbeanbags.com. Jax is a dog and gave me the low down. While I don’t totally agree with Jax on some things I appreciate that he was willing to take the time to respond to my email. He made some good points and I respect his positions and ideas. Unfortunately it is difficult to lay out a complete idea in a marketing description and I may have read more into it than I should have.

It is also nice to see that Hotbeanbags.com is employing dogs. While I am not going to buy a child’s beanbag anytime soon, I will check back when they start offering the pet bed products.

Below is the Jax’s response


Hello Stephen,

My name is Jax and I handle all of our customer questions and comments
from animals, and like you- I too am a dog. First and foremost, thank you
for visiting HotBeanBags.com and contacting us regarding your experience.
I apologize that our Child Size Bean Bag write up has so deeply offended
you. We strive to be as accurate as possible in all our product
descriptions.

I understand that the house training process is an arduous process for
many of us. It is not our intent to trivialize your experience. However,
the fact that our products are low maintenance is quite an accomplishment
in itself. My experience with house training was a lot different than
yours, as my owner used a different, more modern method.

We stand by the statement that a bean bag chair should replace a child's
imaginary friend. We strongly believe that our bean bag chairs will
outlive the time span that is considered "healthy development" for having
an imaginary friend. And when that stage in life has passed, the bean bag
will still be there as a reminder of that age of innocence (before the
imagination has been all but sucked out by adulthood).

Despite your claims, studies have shown that soft items can provide a
sense of companionship. Isolation-reared monkeys in an environment with
soft items outlived those that were raised in an empty environment. Of
course a bean bag is not a replacement for human contact, we wouldn't dare
make such a suggestion. But a bean bag chair can provide a sense of
companionship.

We appreciate your input and use comments from site visitors such as
yourself to help us make HotBeanBags.com the best bean bag chair website.
We regret that you will not be purchasing a bean bag from our company, but
we hope to win you back in the future when we add our Pet Beds product
line. Hopefully you will not find the product descriptions offensive. We
are certainly glad you did not see our write up for the Plush Fur Bean Bag
Chairs. If you have any other questions, please let us know.

I am sure the owner of this site appreciates your offer to be his dog, but
I know for a fact that he already has one... it is me!

Thanks,

Jax - Customer Service
http://hotbeanbags.com

HotBeanBag's very Disturbed Individual

Yesterday I was looking for Beanbag chairs on the internet. To me this seemed like a pretty benign activity certainly not one that would raise my blood pressure however I was wrong. I ran into this site hotbeanbags.com and checked out their child's bean bag chairs.

I was ok until I read the little market blub, it was horrific. I was totally incensed. These people are not just stupid they are criminally stupid. I am all for selling beanbags but come on. This is just ridiculous and wrong on so many levels.

This bag wants to be your new best friend - more specifically your child's best friend. Just think about it, you can finally replace their imaginary friend with a very real and very comfy bean bag chair. Kids hankering for a pet? Now they can snuggle up and pet their very own house-trained shiny bag of beans.

Younger kids are constantly seeking companionship and security and they'll get that from this perfectly sized bean bag chair (6.5 cubic feet and 98 inches in circumference). And this bag is made of heavy-duty, double stitched vinyl so it can take plenty of roughhousing, chills and spills. The outer covering is easily cleaned with a damp cloth and mild detergent. It even is equipped with a childproof zipper for added safety and to avoid bean blowouts.

Help your child make memories that last a lifetime with their new best friend - bean bag chair!

Well as we all know Stephen Thedog does not sit idly by so I wrote them a letter.

Dear HotBeanBag:

My name is Stephen and I am a dog. You may have heard of my kind we are often referred to as “Man’s Best Friend” I am writing you in regards to your Childs Beanbag chairs.

I was looking to purchase a few chairs the other day and ran across your site. I then stumbled into your write up on the child’s chairs and was enraged.

As a dog I take offense to your remark that the chair is house trained. As someone who has gone through the house training process you are trivializing my accomplishment. House training is not easy, how would you like you face showed into you own feces. Believe me it is not fun. A chair can not be trained. Training involves modifying and shaping behavior. Since the chair does not have the ability to poop in the 1st place you are not training it not to poop inside. You have done nothing.

If we follow you model well then I have trained all of you staplers not to pee on your desk. This took me 3 hours per stapler and I changed $10/hr please send me check for $300. If for some reason a stapler does pee on your desk I will happily refund your money. Please make checks payable to Stephenthedog

I also see you are advocating replacing my child’s imaginary friend with a beanbag chair.
In case you are not aware having an imaginary friend is healthy developmentally for a child. Children should be allowed to be children. Adults should not try to mess with a child’s imaginary friend. They have these friends in order to have something to relate to in a world run largely by unimaginative adults.

Beanbags do not provide companionship. You obviously had a very sad childhood if you believe this. It is just not the case in fact the bags in question are vinyl. Vinyl is not soft or cuddly. When you hug vinyl it gets all hot sticky and gross. If you doubt me make a pair of vinyl pants and try wearing them for a day. You will not last 30min in them.

No child should be making memories that last a lifetime with their new best friend bean bag chair. That is just sad. It is obvious you are a very disturbed uneducated individual who never had a friend or a pet growing up. While it is to your credit that you have not ended up living in your grandmother’s basement surfing the internet for porn, I still mourn for the loss of your childhood.

You Sir need a dog immediately. Please send me your address and I will come and be your dog until we can get you one to fill the immense void in your life. I am truly concerned about your well being.

It has taken me a while but I now see that this is not some horrible unsympathetic marketing campaign gone awry but a genuine plea for help. I will help you!. No one should have to buy a bean bag chair as a friend. I feel so sad for you but don’t worry we will work our way through this. Trust me it will get better.

Obviously I will not be buying a bean bag from you. In fact you should close the store and got out and be with people. It is obvious your relationship with the bean bag is not a health one.

Dentemp

You know what I hate. I hate it when I am out to dinner with friends and one of my fillings comes loose. We all know this happens and it will drive you nuts. You sit down at a nice restaurant order the meal you have been dreaming about for weeks.

You know the one the prime rib and lobster tail surf and turf with the creamy hollandaise sauce. The side of asapargus with shaved walnuts and the truffle mashed potatoes. Topping it all off with a nice crème brule. Man that sounds good however what about it you sit down order and as you are waiting for your food you suddenly lose a filling on the bread you are eating.

Don’t laugh I have had it happen. It is embarrassing you either have to ask the waitress to take you dinner back and run it through a blender or you can get the giant doggie bag. Either way you are not going to be the cool guy. Today there is a solution though.

Our prayers have been answered and that answer is Dentemp OS. Dental temp OS can replace lost fillings and you can eat on it within 30 mins of setting. So no more expensive blender dinners.


This great temporary dental repair. product is fully FDA approved and was created by a dentist so you know it is good. I am going to keep a thing of Dentemp in my pocket from now on

I had to fess up

As you know the other day I took the online skills assessment at Computertraining.com and did not do so well. Only answering D for Dog is not the way to go. Well I got an email from B saying I had not obtained a qualifying score and that I would have one more chance to qualify.

This kind of scared me so I decided to do something I now realize is a little bit unethical. I emailed the link to my second attempt test to my A and challenged him to take it. Apparently he did pretty well because before he was even done taking the test B had emailed me again.

Below is the email from B. Notice I got an exclamation point after my name. When I failed I got a colon after my name.

Hi Stephen!

My name is B, the Assistant Director of Admissions with ComputerTraining.com. I am very pleased to say that you did exceptionally well on your online skills challenge and I am excited to speak with you regarding your test results.

You should feel very proud that you have progressed to this level. Only those who demonstrate a solid foundation with Microsoft operation systems receive this email.

We have been unsuccessful at reaching you with the contact information you supplied us on your ComputerTraining.com online application.

Please give me a call or email once this is received so that we can find a time that will work. I will also be following up with you shortly. Please note that I will be calling from the 800 number listed below.

Warm Regards,
B

I talked to my A about it and while he supports my efforts to protect my future in case bobsledding does not work out he said I should come clean with Barbara.

Dear Barbara,

Hi this is Stephen. I would like to thank your for kind words on my recent exceptional results with your online skills challenge. However I feel I need to come clean.

I originally took your skills challenge and did not do very well. There are various reasons for why I did not do well but the biggest one is probably that I do not have opposable thumbs. Yes that is right I don’t have opposable thumbs. See I am a dog, a golden doodle to be more specific. My mom was a golden retrieve and my dad was a black poodle. Really I a just a mutt with big dreams. I am attaching a picture for you.

I am planning on making a run at the 2010 US Olympic Bobsled team. Being a dog gives me several advantages over people. I have my own fur coat which keeps me warm, I am low to the ground and I am very fast. I can also sharpen my claws and use all fours paws when I run. Based on my studies this gives me a 300% traction advantage over a man. Finally I also have lower wind resistance since my face is longer and more streamlined.

Anyway my A , that is what I call the guy who feeds me and takes me for walks, says I need a fallback plan in case bobsledding does not work out. I had heard your radio commercials while my A and I were driving around town in the truck. Your program sounded intriguing. I would definitely like to make $75,000/yr.

I am sure you can imagine as a dog my earning opportunities are kind of limited. I can’t really go out and get a job as say a diesel mechanic, you need opposable thumbs for that. However I figured IT might work, I could get a modified mouse and maybe telecommute. It is really the mouse I have issues with I already have a modified keyboard that allows me to type.

Well I took you online skills test and answered every question option D for Dog. This did not go to well since I got an email from you saying I did not get the 70% I needed and that I had one more chance to try again. Having one more chance kind of scared me. I don’t like to fail. Knowing I could not allow myself to fail I came up with a plan.

I took the link to my retest and emailed it to my A, and challenged him to see how well he could do. I figured he would do well since he works in the computer field and has written a few books on the subject. They are not very interesting books, he keeps them on a low shelf at home and I have tried to read them but I keep falling asleep.

Anyway he must have done well because I got this awesome email back from you telling me what an exception job I did. While I would love to attend your program I feel I need to come clean. I did not pass your exam and I have a feeling you will not admit a dog. This is the same problem I had when I tried to get a job at my local McDonalds.

The people working there can not even remember to give you sauce with you McNuggets. Come on how hard is that, I can remember sauce. In fact I know over 50 distinct commands, but no they don’t allow dogs to work here. Sorry I am just frustrated. I have smarts and skills and society does not seem to want to allow me to use these god given talents. I also found out yesterday I am not eligible to apply for unemployment. I am just looking to contribute to society and make a little money at the same time. There is only so much daytime television you can watch.

Thanks for your time

Stephen

Drew's Calendar

Do you know what day it is? If you answer to this is no then you need a calendar. Actually no you probably don’t, in today’s high paced electronic society you probably will not ever need a calendar. Calendars are totally outdated. There are tons of places you can store you appointments besides a calendar. My A’s Nintendo Wii can even store appointments. He has all the dates my heartworm pills loaded in there.

Woo Hoo heart worm. Sucks to have to take the pill but I imagine worms in my heart would stink a little worse. Anyway my pal Drew over at the Benspark you know the guy with the camera permanently attached to his arms. That guy would be so broke if not for having a digital camera. I bet he takes an average of one picture every five minutes. It must be nice to have all those memories captured by a camera. The only question I would have is how much of life do you miss while trying to capture it. Personally I find I miss a lot when I am trying to take pictures. Drew seems to manage though. He is like some kind of super internet blog media guy. SIBMG for short, I wonder if he has his own theme music.

Ok so now you are asking yourself why do I care? Well Drew has made a calendar. That’s is right you can get the best of all his pictures in calendar form. Imagine a guy who takes a picture every 5 mins, that is 105120 pictures a year, pulling out the best 12. If only .02% of those are good he still has more pictures than he needs to fill 12 months. Some of Drew’s pictures are really good.

So if you want a calendar check him out. http://www.benspark.com/2008calendar.html He is even donating the money to a good cause. I might even buy one but I am definitely going to have to remove the cat picture. Who wants to spend the whole month staring at a cat? Not me that is for sure. I could probably use the calendar to track the number of photo a days that did not include a cat or eva. However I do have 4 paws and the way it he is going I doubt we will get much past 4.

Oh yes in case you are wondering Drew did bribe me to put up this post. However you if got to this point you have already read it. Ha who doesn’t understand marketing now. Seriously it is a pretty cool calendar. You should definitely

Computer training

It is a cold and blustery day. Stephen the Dog sits high above the world looking down on a gleaming sliver of ice. The crowd goes silent as he lowers his goggles over his eyes. A cold icy wind tears at his goggles as he beings to hurtle down the track.

Stephen accelerates faster and faster until he is nothing but a blur of black and while screaming down the track toward the finish. The stoic, unrelenting clock his only competition. Suddenly a grey object darts by. Damn squirrels.

I was thinking the other day about my career. While I do get paid to write about things on the internet it does not pay that well. I need to get ahead. I have been driving around with my A in the truck a lot and have been hearing commercials for computertraining.com. They claim in only 6 months they can get me a job in IT earning up to $75,000 a year as a Microsoft certified systems engineer. That sounds pretty cool. They even have an online skills assessment test.

On Saturday I logged in and took the test. The test is all about computers but really it was pretty easy. I did not actually read the questions and answered them all with option D. D is for Dog right ? My A says I got 5 out of 20 right. I guess that is really not that good. Sure I could have gotten them all right but I wanted to see what would happen if I did not do great.

Well today I found out. I got an email from B at Computer training saying I did not score high enough to get in. However I do have the opportunity to take the exam again. I think I am going to ask my A for help this time. It does not say anything about outside help.

I guess it is good that they will not let me in with a 5/20. However I am going to try harder next time and I think I will be able to do better. I really think the lack of opposable thumbs held me back on the exam. Who am I kidding the exam is ridiculously easy. Any idiot can pass it. Really the is no time limit and it is about simple computer things. Umm you need a computer to take the exam and you can check all the answers with you computer while you are taking the exam. How do you shutdown a windows computer Hmm I don’t know it is certainly not option B drop computer in the bathtub.

Well I am off to retake the exam. Man $75k per year is going to be sweet. Hopefully my Bobsled career will take off and I won’t need it but my A says I can’t put all my eggs in one basket. With $75K/yr maybe I can but my own TV so I won’t have to read the bottle in the recycling bin during “Alone time”




Dear Stephen:Thank you for taking our online skills exam. You have not scored 70% orbetter on the exam. The 70% is a minimum score that would qualify youfor a visit to one of campuses. During this visit you would have theopportunity to visit a live class and attend an informational meeting tolearn more about Microsoft certifications and the opportunities theycreate for starting a new career in the information technology field.We realize that you may have been at work or simply short of time when you visited our website and took this exam. Enclosed in this email youwill find a link which will take you to another exam where you canre-test your skills to see if you can qualify for this visit. Pleaseallow yourself plenty of time to take the exam because it will be yourlast opportunity.When you are ready to retake the Skills Challenge, please click the