ss_blog_claim=bf53c2c2a6b5e4b759eb9b46babec032 Stephen the dog: April 2008

Monday, April 28, 2008

Welcome Home

As you all know last week was April Vacation from school. Unfortunately I don’t go to school and both my A and R work so it was the same old routine here. You know how it goes get up, eat breakfast, sleep, enjoy alone time, write some letters. Not very exciting.

The people across the street from me did go away for the week. Normally this would be sad because they are fun to play with. A couple of weeks ago they got a new swing set. It is a really cool wooden one from creative play things with a slide, and even a plank with a rope you can climb up. It is super cool. The slide is really fast.

Well I figured since no one was home I better get over there and make sure no one was staking out the place trying to steal the swing set. There has been a rash of swing set thefts lately and I did not want it to happen in my neighborhood.

I spent a lot of time over there watching the swing set. As you know being a dog I have trouble making money so I figure I will just send them a bill when they get back. For 80hrs of guard dog duty I am going to ask $65 that seems more than fair. I would charge more but I will admit that I played on the swing set a little bit while I was over there. Wow that slide is fast.

E your swing set is safe and sound in your back yard please make the check payable to “Stephen the Dog guard dog services LLC”. I formed the LLC to protect myself legally I am a dog but I am not going to lose my house. My A always says “Don’t you dare refinance your car and if you are going to do business make sure you form an LLC”
Words of wisdom from a guy who is obsessed with fetch. My A is really smart but I don’t understand the fascination with the game of fetch, I just don’t get it.

I can’t wait until some more of my neighbors go on vacation. There is a motorcycle that needs guarding and Sparky’s refrigerator is always full of food that would definitely be a target for robbers.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Trip to Detroit Where to stay

Stephen the Dog
14 Bark Drive
BoneTown PA 13458

April 27, 2008

Guest Services
Hyatt Regency Dearborn
600 Town Center Drive,
Dearborn, Michigan, USA 48126-2793
Tel: +1 313 593 1234 Fax: +1 313 593 3366

Dear Wonderful folks at Hyatt,

My name is Stephen I am a 3 year old golden retriever/Poodle cross. That is right I am a dog fortunately I am a very well behaved dog. I am even a certified canine good citizen, I can provide the certificate if you like.

Anyway I am looking to come to the Detroit area to conduct some weather experiments. I have been corresponding with Mayor Kilpatrick about these experiments. He has been very good about encouraging me to do my experiments in the Detroit area. In fact I have yet to hear a negative work from him. You guys in Detroit as lucky to have Mayor who encourages experimentation. Don’t worry I don’t want to do any experiments in your hotel. I have already done all my experiments on a micro scale and am looking to come to Detroit to do some full scale experiments.

While I am in the area I would like to stay at your fine hotel. I asked my R, that is the lady who feeds me, what the best hotel was and she said “The Hyatt of course”. I love the fact that you guys not only leave a mint on the pillow but provide a complementary milkshake bar in the lobby. Man I love milkshakes.

I travel with my own bed, it is a nice round dog bed from L.L. Bean and it is very comfortable. Since I will be bringing my own bed I will not need the sheets in my room changed. I will be fine with the same sheets all week. I know that you can save millions of gallons of water by not washing sheets and I want to help the planet.

When I check in I will go to the front desk and check in with my people. However after I originally check in I would like to use the back stairs for the rest of my stay. I am a very lovable dog and people are always stopping to pet me. Usually I love the attention but on this trip it is all about the weather experiments so I need to stay focused. I am sure you can understand as you probably deal with many celebrities. I would be willing to sign autographs on Saturday night after dinner, perhaps by the pool. You do allow dogs in your pool right? I ran into some issues at the Hilton apparently they think dogs should not be in the pool. Don’t worry I always take a shower before I swim and I don’t shed.

Do you have any availability the in July? My schedule is pretty open but I do need to get this trip in before the end of the summer. Please let me know what week works best for you. I would prefer a suite but a single room would work if that is all you have. I would like to check in on a Saturday night and check out the next Sunday.

I look am looking forward to staying at the Hyatt and meeting your world class staff. While my experiments will be occurring downtown your staff is certainly welcome to observe.


Stephen The Dog

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Dog Policy Letter

Stephen the Dog
27 Bark Rd

April 23, 2008

Michael S. Dixon, Visitor Services Manager
Eastern Massachusetts NWR Complex
Ph: (978)-443-4661 x 34

Re: Dogs

Dear Mr Dixon,

My name is Stephen and I am a 3 year old Poodle Golden retriever cross. I am a dog and as a dog I have some concerns about the Dog Policy in the Eastern Mass National Wildlife Refuge Complex.

First let me start by telling you a little about myself. I am a very nice dog, I don’t chase animals unless you count Salem the neighborhood cat she calls me names so that doesn’t count, right? . I am a certified canine good citizen. I have taken multiple obedience classes and everyone says I am very well behaved.

I would like to come and visit the wildlife refuge. I would be willing to stay on my leash and even wear a prong collar the whole time I am there. I will even put on my prong collar and leash before we drive into your parking lot.

I have read you Dog Policy dated July 1, 2005 which prohibits dogs from the refuge. However I promise I will
• Not compromise public safety
• Not Have any conflicts with out refuge visitors
• Not pose a threat of harassment, disturbance and harm to wildlife

I understand that you want to protect the wildlife in the refuge. However the primary purpose of the refuge is nature walks, wildlife observation, photography, fishing and hunting. Doesn’t hunting pose a significant threat of harassment, disturbance of harm to wildlife? I am just saying if I was say a deer I would be more disturbed by bullets whipping past my ear than a well behaved dog walking on a path.

I am aware that wildlife can not tell the difference between a leashed dog and a non leashed dog. This is probably good since wildlife are by definition wild. They should stay clear of both humans and dogs. Thus a default assumption of all dogs are not on leash makes sense for wildlife. The argument makes no sense if a dog attached to a human should it be of less of a concern to a fox? I believe you humans kill far more things than we dogs do. I would say a leashed dog is far more dangerous because it come with a human. A human without a dog would seem to me to be far more dangerous at least you know a human with a dog likes animals.

You policy also stated a concern for Dog feces. I will happily have my A pick up my poop he does this anyway. Why do deer get to poop where they want but when a dog does it people complain? The refuge suggests people wear boots because the trails are muddy is dog poop really that much worse than mud? I realized there are some irresponsible owners out there however mine are very responsible. I see the poop argument as a non issue. I have my pooped picked up. I even have a bumper sticker for my truck that says “I make my owner pick up my poop”

I would really love to visit. I understand you are going to say no and that is ok. However please consider this one thought. Which has a larger impact on the environment and wildlife a dog or a man? All those people walking around mess up nature far worse than I would. I guarantee I am not going to leave twinkie wrappers or beer bottles in the woods. Next thing you know they will be blaming global warming on us dogs.

The world is so unfair. I can’t get a job because I am a dog. I can’t drive a car legally because I am a dog and now I can’t walk in the woods because I am a dog. What is left for me?

You policy is obviously the response to bad dog owners but why take it out on the dogs we always get the short end of the stick. Just ask any English Bull Terrier what bad owners can do.

I wish you would reconsider your dog policy. I would be happy to help in anyway I can. I am attaching a photograph of myself so you can get a feel for how ferocious I am.

Do you allow cats in the wildlife refuge.? I don’t see a cat policy. If I dress up like a cat can I come in and take a walk? What about rabbits do you have a rabbit policy? Why are you singling dogs out? I bet you at 24-45% of the rabbit owners out there do not keep their rabbits on leashes.

Thanks for you time. I look forward to hearing from you.


P.S. would it be possible to at least get an autographed photo or a postcard from the refuge

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Hyper MIling?

As we all know gas prices are shooting way up. Man is that stuff expensive. However I am not going to complain about it, nope not me. I don’t want to become another victim of big oil and find myself in a bag full of wet cats somewhere in the east river. We all know what happened to that lady who figured out how to run a car on water.

Today I want to talk about the trend of hypermiling. Hypermilers believe that if you drive carefully you can get 30-50% better gas mileage. While this may be true if you typically accelerate to 120mph between stop lights and then slam on your brakes and skid to a stop, is it not likely. As a dog I love the car but sudden stops tend to slam my head into the windshield and I fall off the seat. I don’t enjoy that.

The problem is now that the media is all over gas prices we are seeing stories about these people who are driving to get the best possible gas mileage out of their cars. People better gas mileage is good but you can take it too far. Coasting for 2 miles into a red light or driving 20mph under the speed limit will save gas. Going 0-30 in 5 mins will also save gas. However all the money you save on gas will end up going to auto body repair.

The best example of hypermilers is perhaps old ladies in Buicks. We have all seen the white hair sticking over the steering wheel of the car slowly meandering along without a care in the world. These people really know how to get the best mileage. Ever wonder why the crouch down so low behind the wheel. Wind resistance my friend. Why do they tend to swerve back and forth across the lane? They are just following the topographic contours on the road so that they can go downhill as much as possible. Sure it is going to take granny 3 hours to get to the store but she is going to get 30% better gas mileage than you.

For Granny this is all good. We cut old people a lot of slack because they are nice and make cookies and give out dog treats. However with gas prices so high more and more people are starting to drive like granny and that is not good. Although you may love Grannies cookies I am pretty sure you don’t want to drive behind her. Think about spending your entire commute stuck behind a huge pack of old people.

I suggest moderation. The way to tell if you are driving properly is to let yours dog help you. That’s right among other things we know the best way to drive. Put you dog in the front seat and start driving. If you dog keeps falling off the seat and hitting with windshield you are stopping and starting to quickly smooth out that acceleration and save some gas. If your dog jumps out of the car window you are driving to slow speed it up. If you dog has his head out the window with his tongue hanging out you are doing all right keep it up. If for some reason you don’t have a dog get off the road and go get a dog there is no way you can live a full and happy life without a dog. Even if you think you are happy you are just kidding yourself and no you can no substitute your cat for a dog. There is simply no reason to own a cat other. The only thing cats are good for is chasing.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Stephen the Dog 1 Corporate Fat Cats 0

Stephen the Dog has won. That is right I went up against the forces of evil and I won. I am of course referring to the San Disk rebate offer. After about 20 hours of mindless hold music someone finally answered. There were able to look into my rebate submission and it appeared to be fine.

There was no explanation as to why it was originally rejected. Hmm maybe you did not realize you were up against a dog with free time. Score one for the good guys. Now I have to figure out what to spend my rebate on. I am thinking I should get a pet bunny to chase around the house.

It has been a pretty quiet week so far. Tomorrow I get a hair cut. I think I am going to ask for a big S shaved in my chest. That would be so cool. I don’t know if my A will go for it he is kind of conservative. I think it would looks awesome though. Maybe I can sell advertising space on my body. I do walk a lot and the goth dating ad revenue has kind of dried up.

If you would like to have a message shaved into my fur send me an email. For $300/side I will wear your message till it grows out. Please no obscenities, and no Dr. Phil I am not going to advertise for useless hour you call a show. Putting people on TV and giving pop psychology answers to serious issues is like giving a lollipop to a kid with a cavity. Sure it might distract them for a bit but in the long run it makes the problem worse.

Hey does anyone know what Dr. Phil’s 1st name is? I bet it is something weird like Chris. Dr. Chris Phil. Silly I guess maybe it is Phil but only an idiot would use the title of Doctor with their first name. You are, either being informal, and using a first name which would mean no titles or you are being formal and should use the title last name format.

I certainly don’t got but GDE Stephen.

Friday, April 4, 2008

My A needs to trust people more

It has been a while since I have posted anything here. Sorry I know there are a ton of you people who live for nothing more that to hear my words of wisdom and insights on the world. Sorry I have been having trouble finding the time to write and My A and R went on vacation.

They have been back a few days and I have been working hard to ignore my A as much as possible. How can that guy go away for a week and leave me. Come on I am super cute. I wonder if he plays fetch with another dog when he goes away. Maybe if I played fetch he might not leave. I guess I will never know since I can’t bring myself to play fetch is it just such a stupid game.

I would have let you all know I was going away on vacation but my A would not let me. He says the internet is full of freaks and weirdoes and we don’t need to be telling everyone the house on 22 bark street will be empty for the week. Come on these people are too interested in Goth dating to get out of their houses never mind come over to mine and steal stuff. My bones are buried too well any way.

My A needs to trust people more. In an effort to help him with this I am going perform the following demonstration.

I am going to post my A’s social security number and prove that all you people are nice and no one is going to steal his identity. OK my A’s social security number is 033-47-2214. I remember it cause I had to use to get that home equity loan I am using to finance “NUT Silo II” Good thing my A does not really read things too much or I might be in trouble for doing that.

Anyway this should go a long way towards showing my A how safe the internet really is.
After a month when My A’s identity has not been stolen perhaps he will realize that the internet is a safe community to meet people and exchange ideas instead of a cesspool filled with freaks and pedophiles.

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