ss_blog_claim=bf53c2c2a6b5e4b759eb9b46babec032 Stephen the dog: November 2008

Friday, November 28, 2008

Dr. Phil vs Dr. Pepper

I am not sure if I have mentioned if before but I am currently underemployed. This means I happen to be home a lot during the day and end up watching a lot of daytime television. I can usually get through the morning waiting for the mail to come and then there is the afternoon prospect of the UPS guy dropping off a package but aside from that I am left locked in the house with little else to do besides watch TV.

Unfortunately daytime television is terrible. It seems to be aimed a people who are too dumb to have jobs. That is right I said it daytime television is aimed at stupid people. Just look at the commercials they are all about debt consolidation and personal injury lawyers.

Sometimes the TV gets left on and I end up getting stuck watching Dr. Phil. There is no way this guys is a doctor but I figure I would give him a chance so I set up a little contest between two doctors to see which one was more qualified to help people. On one side I have Dr. Phil and on the other side I had a nice cold bottle of Dr. Pepper.

Before we get started here is a brief summary of each contestant.

Dr. Phil is a large man who Oprah decided to give a television show. Hey Oprah when am I getting my own shot. Dr. Phil hands out psycho babble advice to people but does not really solve problems. Generally he just refers out the problems to other people and uses money and TV influence to make it seems like he cares. Dr. Phil has also recently begun to go down the Geraldo Rivera path booking more and more extreme guests in an effort to get better ratings

Dr. Pepper is a soft drink in fact it is the oldest major soft drink in America. It was first sold in Waco Texas long before Waco became infamous for crazy people. Dr. Pepper is a unique blend of 23 flavors. Dr Pepper has been using the same formula since 1885 and has no plans to change.

Now that we have a generally understanding of the two Doctors lets ask them some questions

Question 1:
My teenage daughter has a drinking problem what should I do?

Dr. Phil
We need to get your daughter on the show where I will confront her about why she is drinking. I will make a witty remarks at your expense, make you daughter look like a selfish person and tell you that your family needs to get real.

Dr. Pepper.
Dr. Pepper is way more refreshing than Alcohol. Drink more Dr. Pepper

Question 2:
Should I take my husband back after his affair

Dr. Phil
We need to get you and your husband on the show. Once there I will pick your side and not let your husband explain himself. I will throw in a few witty remarks to belittle your husband and make sure my sheepish audience walks away thinking your husband is the devil

Dr. Pepper
Relax and enjoy a nice cold Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper will always be faithful to you.

Question 3:
My Daughter is out of control what should I do

Dr. Phil
We need to get you and your family into the Dr. Phil house where I can take you 24 hours a day. I will take this footage and cut it up so it looks best on TV. I will make you family look terrible and then once your audience appeal has worn off I will send you back into the real world to live out your miserable little lives while I plug my next book just before the next commercial break.

Dr. Pepper.
Relax and enjoy a nice cold Dr. Pepper and forget that you have a daughter.

Question 4:

My son is selling drugs what should I do?

Dr. Phil
Well I have already done an episode on kids who sell drugs so there is really no way you can help me, I mean I can help you. Now if you can get your son to join the Klan and sell drugs while wearing his Klan uniform I might be able to help

Dr. Pepper.
Spend some time with your son enjoying a nice cold Dr. Pepper together.

There you have it. Feel free to make you own decision. Personally I would prefer the Dr. Pepper at least you get some nutritional value.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving? I don't get it

I have been thinking a lot of Thanksgiving lately. Thanksgiving is a really interesting Holiday from what I can tell it is really just a gateway holiday. Basically you go out and eat a lot of food to prepare to go out shopping on black Friday. I thought this was supposed to be a family oriented holiday about getting together and giving thanks for what you have. Lately it seems like Thanksgiving has strayed a little from its intended purpose.

It seems like Thanksgiving is a lot like the spaghetti dinner at the Boston Athletic Club the night before the Boston Marathon. It make no sense to me, we are supposed to be giving thanks and yet if you watch any TV at all it seems like the focus is on the things we need to go out and buy at 30% off instead of focusing on what we have today. It is just crazy.

This also brings me to my next question. If you look at any on the traditional Thanksgiving images they make no sense. Typically we see top less Indian in loin cloths holding baskets of corn and surrounded by grinning pilgrim sharing a nice meal outdoors. Thanksgiving is in November and the Pilgrims are from Massachuttesses. The average temp in Plymouth MA for Thanksgiving is 36 degrees. As a dog I can handle the cold but come on no one plans a huge outdoor meal in New England in November and they certainly are not wearing short sleeve shirts. Perhaps this whole Holiday is a crock. The idea is nice but none of this makes sense. Does anyone even have corn with their Thanksgiving dinner?

Also why do we eat turkey? How come the Indians did not bring deer meat? Was there a huge over population of turkeys in the 1600’s? Were the Indians trying to make the Pilgrims sleepy by feeding them a ton of turkey? Why would Indians want to make the Pilgrims sleepy? Was it so they could win the Indian/Pilgrim football game? Apparently football is a big part of thanksgiving.

I won’t even get into that fool John Madden and his 16 legged turkeys. There are some ridiculous dogs out there but you people seem to have gotten more than you fair share of idiots.

Thanksgiving is one of those days that makes me happy to be a dog. I just don’t get the holiday. It makes no sense at all but I get to spend time with my family so that is nice. Also I am not allowed in the mall which means there is no way I can go shopping tomorrow. For once being a dog has its pluses.

Please remember the Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, that is why it is called Thanksgiving and not “the day before 30% off retail crap day”

Monday, November 24, 2008

I got a hair cut



Yesterday my A dropped me off to get a hair cut. Now I know you are all thinking gee Stephen that does not sound too bad. Well you are sorely mistaken. In case you have not noticed I am completely covered with hair which means it takes forever to get my hair cut. That is not even the worst part when you get done with your haircut they lock you in this little cage till your A comes and picks you up. Do you know I was the last one to get picked up?

I don’t know what the deal with my A was but he took forever to pick me up. I bet he was off taking a walk or something. I really think he should stay and wait with me while I get my hair cut. Seriously I spend more time sitting in the car waiting for him and I never complain and he can’t even wait till for me while I get my hair cut.

Hopefully this new haircut will improve my job prospects. I am thinking of heading down to the mall and seeing if they have a need for a holiday dog. With all the political correctness I imagine malls will want to get rid of Santa and replace him with something less Christian. Well that is where I come in being a half golden retriever half poodle I am completely non denominational. So come down to the mall and get your picture taken with Stephen The Non Denominational Holiday dog. I am only going to charge $10/photo.

Finally please take a moment and look out your window. Are you Christmas lights up? You better hope they are not. We are coming up on Thanksgiving unless you are a Turkey please focus on the present Holiday and don’t skip ahead. On Friday you can go ahead and put up your Christmas decorations but until then lets respect the sacrifice those millions of turkeys are making and focus our attention on Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 14, 2008

What Happened to Glenn Noland?

Dear Ms McHugh,

Please let me introduce myself, my name is Stephen and I am a 3 and a half year old poodle golden retrieve cross. As a dog I have been finding it difficult to find gainful employment. Which is why I was so excited when Mr. Noland contacted me about the Financial Services Representative position.

It was refreshing that Mr. Noland was able to get past the fact that I am a dog and see my true potential. I happen to agree with Mr. Noland’s belief that I would be a great fit at your organization.

Glenn is certainly a man who can spot talent. In addition to what is on my resume I recently ran a successful election campaign to capture throw away votes, nationwide . I managed to get over 714 votes and even managed to almost win a selectman’s seat in Baxter Iowa. I was barely nudged out by Mr. Yelp.

I have contacted Mr. Noland several times about setting up my interview and have yet to receive a response. I know he is a very important man but I also know that he has integrity and would not ignore my emails unless something was terribly wrong.

Please let tell me what is wrong with Glenn. Glenn was one of the first people to recognize my potential and treat my like a human. Glenn never got caught up on the fact that I am a dog. In the short time that I have know Glenn I feel that he has been like a mentor to me. True we have only exchanged a few emails but I know Glenn has been rooting for me to become a member of the team.

Most people just pat me on the head and tell me to go on my way but Glenn offered me the chance to come in and interview. Since I have not heard from Glenn I can only assume the worst. While I am deeply saddened by this I feel that in order to honor Glenn’s memory I need to continue my personal journey and come in for the interview. I would like to fulfill Glenn’s vision and become a Financial Services Representative. This is the best way I can thing of to honor such a great man.

Currently my schedule is pretty flexible I have doggie daycare on Wednesday’s but outside of that I don’t have any firm commitments. Please let me know when you can fit me into your schedule. I would love to discuss the Financial Service Representative position with you as well as share some of my memories of Glenn.

I look forward to meeting you.


Monday, November 10, 2008

The Election is over Thanks Baxter Iowa

Well the election is over so now I guess I can focus on some of my other projects. I would personally like to thank everyone who voted for me. For those of you who think you vote for me was not noticed well it definitely was. I managed to get 714 votes nationwide.

Yup 714 people actually wrote in Stephen TheDog. I wish I could thank each and everyone of you but unfortunately I can’t. Please know that I do appreciate you votes. I would especially like to thank the people of Baxter Iowa. I actually almost won a selectman’s see in Baxter. I lost out to Mr. John Yelp by only 200 votes.

While I wish Mr. Yelp the best of luck I hope he keeps in mind that an out of state dog managed to get a full 1% of the vote. I hope he works harder in office than he did during his campaign. Had I been able to make a trip to Baxter IA I am sure I would have been able to pull off the win. Not that I really want to be a selectman in rural Iowa. No offense I love the country but I doubt I could convince my A to move to Iowa.

I need to get back to work on my projects. I came up with a great idea to improve the tater tot which I need to get going on. While I seem to have run into a brick wall with the DSBN project I have not given up hope yet. I just need to get in touch with the right person at Nabisco. I am starting to think I might need to go all the way to the top and send Charles Harper a letter. Lets hope he is a visionary CEO and not one of those executives who lack vision.

Personally in most of these product development endeavors I see myself as a guide dog for those who lack vision. I would like to become the Seeing Eye Dog of Corporate America (SEDCA). In this role I would work to bring new products to life and help these people realize that there is more to being successful than figuring out that if you put one less olive in the jar you are saving money.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Fry Sauce protest retraction

Dear Mr. Drew,

I wish to apologize for my comments on your recent Fry Sauce contest. I wrongly assumed that I had been discriminated against. As you well know I am a dog and on top of that I am black. I have come to realize that as much as I want it to the world will never treat me fairly.

I can not get a job at McDonalds even though I am qualified. I have had instances where I have been pretty much given a job and when they realize I am a dog they will no longer even respond to me. That is right Mr. Noland I know you are anti-dog. It is a sad sad thing because I would have been a great financial services rep.

Unfortunately there is no NAACP equivalent for dogs. In fact there are no laws to prevent discrimination against dogs. It is a very unfortunate situation as it tends to make me overly sensitive when I feel I am being discriminated against. In the case of your contest I realize I violated the rules by specifying catsup instead of Ketchup. This was an oversight on my part but it does violate the rules of your contest and I can understand you disqualifying my entry. I certainly do not want to impugn the integrity of you contest so I will be forgoing my plans to file a protest.

I am truly sorry for my accusation, please realize my reaction had nothing to do with you. When you realize that society is structured in such a way as to prevent you from succeeding you tend make quick judgements. Do you realize I am not even allowed in 90% of the buildings in America! I am denied from entering some wildlife refuges because I might scare the animals. I don’t know about you but I know of a bunch of humans who are way more scary than me.

Perhaps together we can work for change. I will willing to extend and olive branch. The branch is slightly chewed. Since I was in the wrong here I am even willing to go the extra mile if you want to throw the olive branch I will be willing to fetch it.

Well good luck with you contest and I look forward to entering you next one.

Yours Truly

Stephen TheDog

Monday, November 3, 2008

Get out and VOTE!

Well tomorrow is that day we have all been waiting for, we get to find out who our next president will be woo hoo. I am not going to tell you who to vote for or even discuss the issues involved. Those are all things you need to do for yourself but if you can’t figure out it write in Stephen TheDog.

No matter what happens we are stuck with it. Once the election is over I can get back to my other projects. Apparently the DSNB project is not getting any traction at Nabisco and I also need to look Drew’s Fry Sauce contest. I may have been unfairly barred for the contest.

I have yet to file and official protest and since I like Drew I may refrain but he needs to know he is walking a very fine line. Obviously I need to get all my facts strait but I do have a source on the judging panel who has agreed to speak to me off the record. I hope to get this all resolved soon.

It has been a long day and I need to get back to my nap.

Well get out there and vote. A vote for Stephen TheDog is a vote for America.

Myspace Countdown or Myspace Layouts
/* Counter set up*/ Stephen the dog: November 2008