Trying to reach an understanding with Mr. Y

Dear Mr. Y,

Thank you for taking the time to explain your position in regards to my new mailbox. While I don’t necessarily agree with your point of view I am willing to accept it. I will just have to find another way to earn some much needed cash.

Based on your very thorough definition of an officious intermeddler I am assuming it is a good thing that I did not break ground on your new pool. You see I was going to put in a pool for you while you were away a few weekends ago but I just got busy. Since you seem to be unwilling to give a dog a ten spot I am betting the $15,000 for the pool is out of the question.

Your response has opened my eyes. I still think this officious intermeddler method of demanding payment has merit, so I am not quite ready to give it up. However you seem to have sound legal training and the ability to throw around big words. Why do lawyers insist on using big works and terms like the part of the second part? Why not just call him Jim or the jerk we are suing.

What this experience has shown me is that I am probably in need of legal council. What I am willing to offer you is the following. I will drop my claim for the $10 on the condition that I am allowed to use you Mr. Y as my legal council. You can consider the disputed $10 as a retainer. In exchange for being my legal council I will allow you to use my name on your client list. I have no doubt that representing the number one Dog Odder on the plant will have a dramatic effect on you career, perhaps enough so that you can actually put in that pool. Please make sure you get a gunite one as I am told it is common for dogs to rip the liners of vinyl pools.


Stephen

Mr. Y responds

Stephen -
Your new mailbox looks great. You must have been exhausted from laying about in the shade watching your A install it. You know what they say about a dog's work never being done and all.
I must, however, respectfully deny your claim for compensation. Among other legal and factual reasons, you are what is known in the law as an "officious intermeddler." Being of the genus canis, that is probably not a term you are familiar with, so let me provide you with an explanation. According to Black's Law Dictionary, an "officious intermeddler" is one "who confers a benefit on another without being requested or having a legal duty to do so, and who therefore has no legal grounds to demand restitution for the benefit conferred." Moreover, I doubt that, even with the aid of expert testimony, you would be able to prove that you actually conferred any benefit whatsoever. Thus, consider your claim for compensation denied.
I certainly hope this does not change what I consider to be an otherwise healthy and respectful relationship (and I will continue to overlook your barking).

Regards, Y

P.S. As always, nothing contained herein shall be construed as a waiver of any rights and defenses, all of which are expressly reserved.

New Mailbox and I expect to be compensated Mr. Y

Dear Mr. Y.

We have lived across the street from each other for a while now and I feel that we have a developed a pretty good relationship. I really appreciate the fact that you never rat me out for barking at night. I am pretty sure you can hear me when I go on one of my barking rampages because I often hear the screaming that comes out of your house. What is up with all the screaming? Do you really enjoy horror movies or something?

Anyway I am writing you to discuss property values. As you know recently the real estate market in our area has taken a major hit. This being the case we need to do whatever possible to preserve our property values. Yes I am well aware that my A is bringing down the value of your house by not cutting his grass. There is not much I can do about that he does not really enjoy cutting the grass. I guess I could pick up my bones so he does not run over them with the lawnmower. Have you ever seen a lawnmower hit a nice big cow femur. Believe me it is something to see. Pulverized cow femur is very tasty.

As you may have noticed I recently had my A replace our mailbox. This is located across the street from our house so it adds zero value to our property. The old one did not add negative value to our house either it was kind of just there for the mail. However it is on your side of the street and I believe it is a factor in you home’s value. That being said I replaced the mailbox on Sunday. I checked Zillow.com and since Saturday the value of your house has appreciated $75. Now the only thing that has changed in regards to your homes value is my new. It cost me about $20 to install the new mailbox. Yes my A is also cheap but then again the mailbox is not in our yard so who cares what it looks like oh wait you do J.

I don’t think it is fair that we spent $20 on a mailbox to increase the value of your home. My A could have bought me 6 cow femurs with that or 3 stuffed squeaky toys. I would not being you to suggest you give me the $75 your home has appreciate even though I my data shows that the mailbox upgrade is responsible for the entire amount of the appreciation. What I am suggesting is that you cut a check to me Stephen theDog for an amount no less than $10. I think it is only fair that I be compensated.

Please do not feel I am singling you out I am also going to ask our letter carrier for a similar amount. She benefits from this as well. In fact the only one not benefiting from this is me this me. Please enjoy the $65 of equity my efforts have placed into you home.


Sincerely you Neighbor


Stephen the Dog


P.S. You need to get a pet. My naming system does not work with you people who don’t have pets.

why is there Cotton in my Asprin bottle

The other day I was asked “Why do all pill bottles come with a wad of cotton on top?” It took me a while but I have finally been able to track down the answer. Originally I thought is was to protect the pills from moving around and rubbing against each other. However this is not the case. While holding pills still is a worth goal there are a ton of things that could be used to do this besides cotton.

The story starts in 1793 when Eli Whitney invented the Cotton gin. This simple little invention revolutionized the cotton industry and the economy of the Southern United States. Fortunately there was still a high demand for cotton so the South was able to prosper. Suddenly the south could meet the demand for cotton and produce it much more cost effectively.

In 1861 the south suffered a major setback with the Civil war. My A recently gave me a lecture on why agrarian economies should not go to war with industrialized economies. I can’t say it was riveting but the basically what I got out of it was the South was destined to lose the Civil war and you should never refinance your car.

After the South lost the war they were in bad shape. Northerner’s we coming down and taking advantage of the southerners. Abraham Lincoln saw this problem and decided as president he needed to do something. Lincoln was quite the president what with the ending slavery and enriching the arts and all.

Lincoln felt it was important to make sure the South was financially stable in order to avoid another civil war. The Southern economy based largely on cotton and tobacco is a tenuous endeavor at best. Lincoln with his legendary foresight knew that the Surgeon General would soon start a campaign to end tobacco use and that Polyester and Rayon would drive down the demand for cotton. This would effectively cripple the south again and cause another civil war.

In order to avert this Lincoln passed secret legislation requiring a giant wad of cotton be placed on top off all pill bottles. This had the effect of tying the highly profitable pharmaceutical industry to the southern economy thus creating a synergy. Obviously the tactic has been effective as there has not been a civil was in this country in over 100 years.

So next time you wonder what the cotton in doing in your Tylenol bottle you will know it is there to keep the peace. Without that little wad of cotton who knows where this country would be.

Cop Shorts!!!!

As you all know I love Police Gear. I can’t get enough of it. I am never happier than when I am running though the neighbor hood in full riot gear. There is just something about riot gear that makes you feel invincible. That and the fact that as I a dog I can run 4x faster than any human just gives me this feeling of god like power. Not that I am a god or an anyway am comparing myself to god. That would be blasphemy it is just an expression don’t read anything into it. I am trying to tell you about Police gear not have a theological discussion here.

If you are into police gear you should check out these 5.11 Shorts These are the same shorts the police wear. That’s right official cop shorts. Remember how cool the cop car was in the movie the Blues Brothers? Well these shorts have cop pockets, cop buttons, cop zippers etc. If you want a pair of shorts in which you can protect and serve your neighborhood these are the shorts for you.

Response to Ted Murphy and Bonzo

Bonzo,

Thanks for the response sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I have been on vacation. Three weeks ago my A and R threw me in the back of the truck and 13 hours later I was in Cape Hatteras. It was a really fun trip I got to play in the ocean and made some new friends.

The trip down was a little tough. 23 hours in the back seat of an extra cab pickup truck is not really my idea of fun. I tried to sleep as much as I could but between the stupid audio book my A and R were listening to and the thought of crashing it was a little rough. Can you believe there was not even a dog in the whole audio book.

At one point on the trip we went over the Chesapeake Bay Tunnel Bridge. As we were going over the bridge I sat up and started staring out the windows. My A though I was enthralled by the view of water on all sides. Unfortunately I was scared to death, my A is not really that good a driver, and I figured if I was going to plummet over the side of the bridge and into the water I wanted as much warning as I could get. Thankfully we made it across without incident.

Send me you address and I will send down an autographed photo of myself for the postie wall of fame. I have never been on a wall of fame before. Do I get a plaque? My picture is hanging up at day care but I don’t think it is the same.

If you could send me an autographed photo of Ted and yourself, that would be awesome. I am trying to build up my credibility as I continue to looks for jobs that will hire dogs. The autographed photos go a long way towards establishing my credibility. It is sad but we dogs are very discriminated against in the work place which is why I have such respect for Ted. Ted has never limited my earning potential because I am a dog. The man gave me an opportunity and I am just trying to make the most of it. Thanks Ted you are definitely not the most Evil guy in the room.

As far as SB^3 goes both you and Ted are definitely invited. The date is still being worked on but I am thinking the end of July. I see that news of SB^3 has not reached Florida. Well SB^3 (Stephen’s Blowout Birthday Bash) is my annual birthday party. I was really born in April but my A says it is too cold in April to have a ton of dogs in the house. Last year was awesome we had like 30 people and 6 dogs. This year is going to be even better I am working on getting on of those inflatable jumpies and maybe a slushie machine. It will definitely be a good time you should come if you can make it. I will even get a cake for Ted to plow.

I still don’t understand the cake plow however as a business dog I have an idea. Obviously Ted likes to do these cake plow things and they make quite a mess and are difficult to clean up after. I am sure it is not fun to run around with Cake on your face for too long. I would be willing to help people clean their faces after cake plows. For $10/face I will lick all the cake off person’s face as well as make sure that none of their hair sticks up. I have been making sure my A’s hair does not stick up for a couple years now and he has never gone to work with his hair sticking up. Sure he is almost bald but that is not my fault.

Hope you can attend SB^3 and please consider me for you all you post cake plow face cleaning needs.


Stephen



P.S. Please don’t forget to send me the autographed photo